EVILS OF VALENTINE'S DAY REVEALED IN HISTORY

Love is in the air and your paycheck is about to finance an evening of disappointment. Why, it must be Valentine’s Day! Yes, quite so old chap. Nothing like a box of chocolates full of rat fecesto get you in the mood. Just in case you’ve secretly been loathing the whole enterprise, don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Just show this to your significant other, and when they stop crying, maybe you won’t have to buy them anything. Just kidding, you’re totally f@#$ed there. Evil I tell you! Evil!!! 1. Lupercalia What would a holiday about love and relationships be without shadowy origins involving beating women into submission? Yes, those ancient Romans certainly had a way with sex and violence. Basically Lupercaliawas a big naked pastoral festival that lasted from Feb 13-15, where everyone got trashed and banged. The main event included lining up all the single ladies at the party, where they would wait in line for the men to whip the s@#t out of them. This was done in the belief that it would make them more fertile, or at least so dazed that getting knocked up didn’t seem like such a big deal. After that there was an old school swingers party raffle, where everyone paired up for the rest of the holiday, and probably tried to drink enough to forget the whole epic beat down thing. Scholars have debated forever if Lupercalia is in fact the original representation of love day, but what is proven, is that in the 5th century Pope Gelasius Iofficially merged the Christian St. Valentines Day with the Roman orgy in order to eliminate any pagan rituals that may have been lingering about. Thus, they became one and the same, and many prevailing traits of the holiday today originated from something out of the Wicker Man. 2. St. Valentine’s Martyrdom The figure of St. Valentine has been difficult for historians to peg down into one specific person, rather there were several throughout history, with various backstories and supposed miracles taking place. However, the tale that seems to have superseded the rest is completely abstract and ridiculous. Cue the Passion of the Christ music– the year is 270 AD, and Christianity is under heavy persecution from the Emperor Claudius in Rome, who rules with an iron fist. Our hero Valentine, a true practitioner of the teachings of Christ, has been marrying Christian couples and soldiers, which is strictly banned under Claudius. He’s swiftly apprehended for his crimes against humanity and brought before the emperor, who takes a liking to the lad, but things go south quickly because Valentine can’t keep his mouth shut about Jesus, and tries to convert Claudius. He is sentenced to death. Now it gets convoluted. While in prison, he ends up healing one of the jailers blind daughters…because apparently he has powers all of a sudden. This compels the jailer to free all the Christian prisoners, Valentine included, and his entire family converts to Christianity. Somehow after being freed, Valentine is arrested again, and again is scheduled to be executed. While he awaits death, he sends a love letter to a judges daughter, closing with “Your Valentine.” Then he gets beaten, stoned, and beheaded, not to mention he was basically forgotten until 496 AD by Pope Gelasius I, when Valentines Day was recognized (and merged with Lupercalia depending on the source). So here’s the quick version: Valentines Day is the celebration of a Christian martyr who sent a love letter to a judges daughter while imprisoned and then was brutally executed for previously attempting to convert the emperor to Christianity. Forgive me for not seeing the romanticism in this. 3. It Makes Your Girlfriend a Hooker Thank you so much for the overstuffed teddy bear, I now feel compelled to blow you. That’s the entire message of the advertisement shown above, that and the idea that your girlfriend will be wearing some kind of satin jammies when you get it on. Basically anything you choose to purchase for your significant other will be marketed with sex, and that’s fine, because that’s not exclusive to Valentines Day. But making gifts appear as a prerequisite for intimacy is a recipe for disaster. First off, it suggests women will engage in sex only after receiving material compensation. You can go on and on about how taking a woman out to dinner is the same song and dance, but Valentines Day takes this concept over the edge. Every year the presents have to be more expensive and grand, with the promise the sex you receive will be totally mind blowing because those earrings were really expensive. If you get her a ring, she’ll probably invite her twin sister over and start wrestling in Jell-o. From heavy.com